Random thoughts: Depression (true story)

 

Four years ago I fell into a vast crevice of depression. The reasons why, are not important to this little story. Although they are important to me.

 

I always had these rainy day blues, but didn’t know it was depression, until a couple of years ago. There would be two or three days, where I would completely shut down and do nothing. Typically, only people who are depressed or have battled this affliction can understand with any degree of compassion how it feels.

 

I had a plan. I was going to the corner of the woods sit down and pull the trigger. I didn’t, because of my sons and my sister.

 

My brother committed suicide in 1985, so if I did the same, it would have devastated my sister. She saved my life and doesn’t even know it.

 

It’s not a physical pain. It’s not like a head ache or back ache. There was not one particular reason, I just didn’t want to BE anymore and I wanted the pain to stop.

 

I lived on a farm with no one around, but still peaked out the window. If someone knocked on the door it scared me to the point I would hide. I did not want to answer the phone, door or window.

 

It has taken a lot of work with one therapist and she has become very important to me.

 

Depression is not to be taken lightly.

Random Thoughts: the garbage man (true story)

 

The other day I was pulling out of my development, when I saw a normal sight to most of us. Something that often goes undetected, it was the garbage man. He was on my side of the street getting ready to pull over to his side. He just picked up my neighbors trash and was heading to the next can. As we passed I threw up my hand and both the driver and the man hanging off of the back of the truck waved at me. They did not nod or give a little wave like motorcyclist do when they meet on the road. They both put up their hands and smiled, very vigorously I might add. They seemed to be so happy just to be noticed.

 

I’m a talkative friendly person and the older I get the more outgoing I become. I tip the mailman at Christmas and he seems to be very grateful for that, but when I wave at him I barely get a nod. I wave at my neighbors that are strangers and they either just barely put their hands up or don’t acknowledge me at all. I wave at my immediate neighbors and people that work at the marina and they barely do the same as my stranger neighbors. I admit sometimes people might not see me for whatever reason or their minds are on more pressing issues.

 

I have one friend that works at the marina and he goes out of his way to say hi to me, even yell it across the empty or busy compound. I’m sure he has no idea how grateful I am for that. To know people with a nice humble outgoing nature is one of the great pleasures in life. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that the more a person has the less sociable is the standard. Some people might think low of the garbage man, they work doing a job that most of us wouldn’t consider doing. They do it with a smile, while paying their bills.

Random thoughts: stuck in there (true story)

 

I was waiting for my appointment, when an older man walked in and sat down two chairs to my right. Close behind him was a lady, that sat between us. I gave them both the head nod to imply hello, before they sat down. She returned it, while he did not

.

The man did most of the talking, however he didn’t talk in structured sentences or a conversation. He would make statements and he would always start these statements with her first name. As far as l knew, all of his statements were random facts. He would rattle off two or so in a row. Then breath and she would say something like, “that’s nice John.” Then he would tell her a couple more.

 

Every now and again I said, “Wow, I didn’t know that.” Or “That’s cool.”

 

After saying that a couple of times he asked, “Who are YOU sir?”

 

I stood up and put my hand out, “Jim McDonald.”

 

He promptly stood up and shook my hand, “John David.”

 

We sat down and he told me some jokes. I believe he told me five jokes, every time saying Jim before each joke. Then he told me five more, before he said, “Jim, tell me a joke.”

 

I told him, “I’m no good at that, I can’t remember them.” He shrugged. I then said, “I remember one. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?” I waited a few seconds for his answer or for him to say ‘what’. He didn’t say a word, so I said, “ A stick.” That’s an old joke, but he must of laughed for ten seconds, then abruptly stopped.

 

I realized that he was a very smart man. His problem though, he can not interact in a back and forth conversation. Everything he said was a statement, no answers. I think he has all these memories stuck in his head and he can’t talk about them. All he can do is repeat them, probably over and over again.

 

I wonder if he is aware of this and the only way he can express his thoughts are by a fact close to what he wants to say. Or does he just randomly state facts. If he realizes his situation, then he’s stuck in there with all his thoughts and can’t share them with the world.