Random thoughts: Psyche, part three

Random thoughts: Psyche, part three

 

In part one, I wrote about the different deaths of my immediate family. In part two, I told you about my inability to get back on the diet and how disheartening that has been. The combination of part one and two promptly led to depression.

 

Part three: Depression

 

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Over the years, I have fallen prey to what I used to call, “A funk.” These funks weren’t often and they didn’t last long, but looking back on it, they were a major part of my life.

 

Sometimes, when friends would ask me to join them, I would decline saying, “I’m in a funk.” Or I would makes excuses of why I couldn’t hang with them. Maybe these cop-outs were because I didn’t understand what was happening in my life, concerning depression.

 

During these funks, I would be paralyzed with fear and immobilized behind closed and locked doors. If there was a knock at the door, I would peek out of the tightly drawn curtains in fear of having to talk to someone. I would have no reason to hide, but I would bury my head in the sand anyway.

 

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At times, my best friend Raymond, would be the only person I would let in. When I say let in; I’m not talking about, letting him in the door. I mean letting him into my crippled state of mind. It never registered all these years, that I falling prey to depression.

 

Several years back, I had four unrelated issues hit me all at once. One or even two at the same time would have been tolerable, but I wasn’t able to deal with all of them on my own. So I sought professional help and it’s a good thing I did, because my thoughts weren’t drifting to self preservation.

 

With the latest Thanksgiving holiday and the diet failure it was a forgone conclusion that depression would soon set in and it did.

 

This is not a call for help, but it has helped tremendously to write about it.

Random thoughts: Psyche, part two

Random thoughts: Psyche, part two

 

Part two: Diet failure

 

For many of us, dieting is a very difficult tasks to accomplish. You must include me in that group, because I really like to eat. It’s not like I can go cold turkey with food, like I did when I quit smoking, drinking and drugging.

 

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Yummy

 

A donut to most of us is a socially acceptable treat. It’s small, tasty and it has a hole in it, so a part of it isn’t even there. Also in several bites it’s gone, out of sight and out of mind right? No, white flower is the main ingredient and the flower tends to make us hungrier than before we took the first bite of the delicious pleasure.

 

Breads, pastas and cereals are well known foods that we eat every day. If we eat these foods in moderation along with other healthy choices they can be perfectly fine for us. However if you add all of them together, most dietition and nutritionist would not considered it an acceptable daily diet plan.

 

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Veggies

 

I made a mistake and went off my diet for Thanksgiving Day. Just for the day or so I thought. Up until that morning, the plan was to stick to the diet till a CHRISTmas or a New Years meal. As of this morning, I can’t get back on the diet. In my case, the Type 2 Diabetes could be controlled by my carbohydrate intake and that’s not being met.

 

In my mind, I have failed. One more failure in a life full of failures. Because of the hunter gatherer brains from our ancient past the man is he is suppose to be able to fix things.

 

When it comes to construction I am able to fix many problems, unlike other areas in my life where I fall short. Just because I understand it, doesn’t mean I can do it, but I will not give up though.

 

This leads to the depression of my psyche in part three.

Random thoughts: Psyche, part one

Random thoughts: Psyche, part one

 

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North Carolina

 

Some of you might have noticed, that I’ve been MIA lately. There are several reasons for this; family death, diet failure and depression. Over the next few days I will post a three part series depicting my lack of enthusiasm lately.

 

 

Part one: Family death

 

 

In my relatively short life, I have been surrounded by death, just like most of you. I’ve lost my mom, two would be grandkids, my only brother, dad and countless friends.

 

 

Mom died in ’98 at the age of seventy six from Lymphoma. We had a year to spend the rest of her life together, while we prepared for her upcoming demise. I feel one of the most important things I did with her during that year, was look at and talk about every old black and white photo she had. I asked her questions like; who are they and when was this picture taken. That ended up being very good quality time, because we went through all of her memories one picture at a time. Of course spending time with her was the most important thing and that’s what we did.

 

 

The two abortions were in the early nineties. The first one my son, Jamie, knew about and was out voted so my first grandkid ended up in a cold empty metal pale on the floor. He wasn’t informed of the second one till the deed was done. We don’t talk about them anymore, but for me the difficulty of dealing with their deaths grows as I get older. I don’t think of them everyday or every month, but when I do it’s only sad thoughts that follow. They would be in their mid twenties and could have families of their own by now.

 

 

My brother, George, committed suicide in ’85, but that was a decision he made of his own accord. That lose was a bit easier to take, don’t get me wrong, death is never painless to anyone involved. He was old enough and drunk enough to end his life however he wanted. He didn’t need to consult with anyone on how to end his anguish. Selfish? Yes, but his business.

 

 

Dad died at Thanksgiving in 1975 from liver cancer. Dad drank himself to death, when the cancer hit his lungs it quickly ran through his body and death followed shortly afterward. For some reason I remember it happening on Thanksgiving Day, but it was actually on the 25th. Thanksgiving day that year was the 27th so the funeral was on Friday the 28th. Ever since then turkey day has never been a favorite holiday of mine. Hence bad memories on the Thanksgiving holiday.

 

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Mom, dad and my sister Debbie.

 

There have been many other deaths in my life, but these few probably helped mold my psyche.

 

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Jesus, the real reason for the season

 

Note: I don’t agree with the stringent “Political Correctness” movement, so Happy Thanksgiving, Merry CHRISTmas and Happy New Year.

Random thoughts: Waldorf Famous

Random thoughts: Waldorf Famous

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Waldorf, MD.

Have I told you that I am famous here in Waldorf; not real famous just somewhat, maybe just a little, well not really famous at all. Let me explain. 😃

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A sign, then me and my best friend Raymond.

Let’s take a happy dance down memory lane first, just for a moment. Raymond and I have been friends since the Thomas Stone High School days, long time ago, and I was a perfectly good student till I met him. All my report cards up till then held straight A’s, I also never skipped school or got in trouble of any sort, until I fell under his tutelage. My life went down hill after I met him, but to be perfectly candied it has been an exciting life. Seriously though, I’m just messin with my buddy.

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First McDonald’s in Waldorf, MD

Here’s a little background into my achievement. We were in the eleventh grade, when “McDonald’s” and it’s golden arches came to our school. The business invited qualified students to apply at the soon to be new store in Waldorf, MD.

Raymond, his brother buddy, our friend Billy, several others and myself signed up to work there. Before we could work at our new store, we were trained at another one in a nearby town.

We had many escapades at the Waldorf store; I met my first wife there, did my first drug there and there is where I drank my first beer. Quite a few other adventures, that should not be repeated, for fear of imprisonment, embarrassment or surely laughter.

My best of all experiences there, was I had the honor of flipping the very first Big Mac. I should be known as the world renowned Waldorf flipper. After all it is my town.

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Later in the eighties, before I got sober, my son and I snuck down onto the “RFK Stadium” football field. Being drunk as I was, it didn’t surprise my family when I accidentally tripped one of my favorite receivers, Ricky Sanders. It was on the news that night and also shown on TV during the game. Thankfully I was dressed in all my Redskin garb, but I still felt disgraced as all eyes were on me. My son, Jamie, even turned away and left me standing all by myself.

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Washington Redskin receiver Ricky Sanders

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This picture is a few years later, after I got sober. I was able to make my amends to him. My mom, Ricky Sanders and me. About 1992 or so.

Finally more current, I ran into a friend of mine at La Plata Starbucks the other day, that owns the best eatery in La Plata, Marie’s. I chatted with him for a minute without sitting down and he was interested when I mentioned that I’m on the Atkins diet. Since I can’t eat my favorite dish, Morning Breakfast, he reminded me of a nice grilled fish plate. After we talked more he said, “Let me run some numbers and I will add a dish of bacon and call it, Jim’s Special.” The particulars were not set at that time, but it will probably be ten pieces of bacon at a good price. WOW, is that cool or what?

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Are you salivating now?

These are some of my achievements, but the most important ones, are the birth and lives of my two sons, Jamie and Billy. By the way, fifteen pounds down since October 31st, my scale is applauding the weight of 259.

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Billy and Jamie in 2006 at Dulles airport

Random thoughts: Atkins diet

Random thoughts: Atkins diet

 

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In North Carolina about a month ago. Let’s consider this and the following pictures as my before photos.

 

On October 31, 2016, I started the Atkins diet at the weight of 274 pounds. This morning has been the start of the twelfth day and I have lost nine pounds. Woke up and the scale told me, “Congratulations Jim, you weigh 265 pounds.”

 

I did this same diet in 2009/2010 and lost ninety seven pounds in seven months. When I stopped the diet I eventually gained all the weight back. The same would happen with any diet.

 

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Three months ago at the marina

 

The diet starts with the two week induction plan. This part of the diet is considered the carbohydrates (carbs) cleanse. In a twenty four hour period the dieter can have no more than twenty carbs. I stayed on the induction diet for the whole seven months.

 

During the sevens months, I had five cheat weekends and ate what ever I wanted. Those weekends were from Friday evening to Monday morning. Didn’t gain any weight, but also wouldn’t lose any until Thursday morning.

 

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Four months ago at a yard sale

 

Towards the end of the seven months, I incorporated some diet sodas and some foods that didn’t have carbs, but did have artificial sweeteners. Guess I needed the sweet taste. My weight lose took a hit at the end and I had no idea the artificial sweeteners were to blame.

 

Over the past few years I tried the same diet including the diet sodas and sweeteners. I didn’t lose the weight as I had hoped to.

 

Four days into the diet this time, I researched the sweeteners and found out that most of them are not good for the body. Some of them even caused blood sugar spikes, which carries the dieter over the twenty carbs a day mark.

 

My experience has shown me that if I’m off and on the diet, my cholesterol will take a hit. However, when I followed the diet exactly how it says, all my vitals are good. Proved by my blood work.

 

I can use all the encouragement you can muster.